Current mood:

Ahh yes, another day at work.  First phone call of the day probably the most annoying of all.  Perhaps, it sets the tone of the day it:  "It can only get better from here on out. "

And it will, because I want it to.

I was starting to read this book about the secret.  I haven't completed it, but it's making me realize:  I can grasp what I want in life and what I desire is to leave my job.  I am not going to go shit talk it, even though I am sure I am most capable of it; maybe, even go on and cover a whole page about this place.  I'll think of it differently.  I'm going to leave to pursue my desires and hope the next person who takes my place will fulfill some kind of twisted desire to work in such an environment.  (What?  It's mostly positive! )

I was thinking about life and what I want out of it.  Let's see whole package deal benefits included in life, love and everything positive that can happen.  "Cha-ching" I will be rich one day.  I am going to keep repeating this everyday in my life and when I acquire each one I will thank God and use it well.

I am pretty fortunate.  I am aware my life is better than some, if not most.  But why settle for just that?  So far I have the man of my dreams, whom which I truly love for all he is.  So one part of my package is perfect now together he and I will work on the bigger goals to collect on.

Now current mood:

There's plenty to look forward to. 

Why?  I ask myself this all the time.  Why do I push it away so strongly, when I miss it so much?   It's not even just the love of a partner, it's not the intimacy of having the closeness of another body pressed against mine.  It's the feeling.  It's easy to physically get what you want.  My problem is letting myself go.  It's the independence that I find comfort in.  It's only natural to feel comfortable with what you experience the most.  I have trouble relying on others, even when I need it.

What is it about love that makes you want it even when you tell yourself you don't need it?  It's like when you cry for no reason at all, you do need it.  I know I am really not making any sense.  I can see my memories fly before me of people that I love, of people that I have loved once before.  Here I am typing my random thoughts, trying to avoid admitting that I am miserable without love.  Whether it be from a friend, my mother, my deepest feelings want to admit I miss it.  I miss falling.  Nowadays I notice, where once I let myself drown in love I now thrash desperately  flailing my arms as far as I can go away from it.  I don't want to lose the person I am.  But there's that feeling I miss.  Holding the hand of a person I love, someone I truly love.

I am optimistic enough to hope for it to happen.  The day that I will trust someone completely.  I do realize that I have to find myself before this happens.  To feel like I have something more to offer than just love, because I don't think it will last if I don't.  Funny thing is, realizing this I notice how much I have procrastinated throughout the years.  So what is it?  Fear.  I'm scared to put my trust in someone.  I run for all potential matches that are actually good for me because I am used to being disappointed and believe that at some point everyone will let me down.  So I prepare myself, knowing that it is a possibility therefore losing some kind of faith in my partner.  Then the shut down begins. As soon as I feel it slipping away, I just watch it go.

It could be many things.  I don't just want anyone to fall for me and me vice versa.  I want the ideal.  Sometimes this gets in the way and when I have the doubts I only see the worst and most shallow faults and they become magnified.  So admitting this, I will make an effort to stop being such a tight ass.  To be like the person I once was in demeanor.  Hopefully, it will lead to a better me.